Ghosts
by Diana Belmont
Summary: Starbuck attempts to readjust to life after the occupation, but is haunted by vivid dreams that threaten her future on Galactica. Takes up after Exodus, watch out for spoilers to that point. Will become AU from this point on. Now contains mild spoliers up
1. Chapter 1

**Ghosts**

**Chapter One **

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters.**

**Note: This story is set after Exodus, season 3. Watch out for spoilers up to that point, and expect that this will become AU as time goes by…and as the 'real' BSG universe continues on its own path.**

**Synopsis…Kara tries to readjust to live on the ship, but is haunted by dreams that shake her sense of self. She realizes these dreams must be confronted, but the steps she must take will jeopardize the life she is trying to reclaim.**

Starbuck allowed herself a moment to enjoy the silence. Switching off her coms, she floated in the nothingness, seeing only the vast expanse of stars in front of her. In the weeks since the exodus from New Caprica, she'd done what she could to readjust to life with the fleet. But it was hard. She could feel herself becoming more and more isolated, craving solitude while at the same time cursing herself for once again destroying everything that had been good in her life. Most notably Sam. She'd needed space. Now she had it.

In the overcrowded atmosphere that had descended on Galactica, Kara Thrace was doing everything she could to avoid people. Every moment she could claim as her own she cherished. In these moments her thoughts more often than not drifted to Kasey. She knew the child was fine, had been keeping tabs on her from afar. She'd accepted as best she could that she was not Kasey's mother, and never had been, and rationally there was some relief in that knowledge. But there was a part deep down that mourned that relationship. Kasey had been in her life for such a brief time, but she had changed everything.

Starbuck could see the console flashing wildly, a sign that they'd realized her coms were off, and they were signalling her to turn them back on. This was a routine CAP. There'd been no cylon activity since the exodus, and she was bored of the nonsense chatter from the pilots. Where once she had found comfort and a sense of belonging, now she felt as though she was on the outside looking in.

Kat was the CAG. Kat had stayed while Starbuck had deserted the fleet in favour of married life on New Caprica. She'd re-upped once they'd fled the planet, but was content for the moment to take a place in the ranks of viper pilots, and leave the leadership in the hands of the rescuers. She could take no credit for their escape, she could not share in the stories of the occupation told again and again in the mess hall. She'd lived a different life during that time, one she had not fully disclosed to anyone. Not even Sam. Instead she'd pushed him away rather than let him in.

She flipped the switch, and immediately the bird was flooded with Kat's voice.

"Gods damn it Starbuck, respond!!"

"Sir, I must have had a malfunction with the coms…all I was getting was fuzz, but I seem to be reading you loud and clear now." Starbuck's voice was calm but the secret thrill she got from hearing the frustration in the CAG's voice was very satisfying.

"Just magically fixed itself, I'm sure!"

"Can't explain it, Sir, I'll be sure that have the Chief check it out." Starbuck couldn't stop the grin from spreading across her face, anymore than she could hide the way the CAG's voice set her teeth on edge.

"You're done for today, Starbuck, head back in. We'll handle it without you, we've done a fine enough job of it so far."

That one stung a little, but she refused to take the bait. Not today.

"Yes Sir! Good hunting." Starbuck somersaulted the viper in a 180 degree turn, and bee lined it back to Galactica.

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"See those cylons in the air …See those cylons in the air….Watch their metal burn and tear … Watch their metal burn and tear…"

Starbuck's head was under the viper, again. She listened to the forced cheer in the voices of the pilots as they chanted the song. It was somebody's thousandth landing. She didn't even know whose, that was how disconnected she was from the group. She hadn't heard that song since the accident had claimed 13 of their number during Flattop's thousandth landing. She wondered how many of them singing now even remembered Flattop.

Everything was different. She pushed herself out from under the viper, wiping her brow. She looked over at the celebration, at the young man being pushed around on the cart. She heard the laughter and saw the smiles and wondered at people's capacity to compartmentalize their emotions. Once, in what seemed like a different lifetime, she'd known how to do that. She'd smiled through pain more times than she could count. Now she seemed to have misplaced that particular skill.

Of course there had been a lifetime, not too long ago, in which this type of celebration would have been instigated by her, when some of those very same pilots had looked to her for leadership, for an example to follow. She'd taken that for granted then. She appreciated it now, and missed it a little. Not that she wanted to have that responsibility right now, but she missed being that person. She missed knowing that strength.

She hadn't even known they were planning this particular event. Nobody had thought to tell her.

Looking over, she realized Kat was staring back at her. The CAG's face was hard, and she was doing nothing to hide the disdain. Kara was not interested in a discussion about the coms right now. She could be reprimanded just as well later. It was time to make herself scarce. That was a skill that she had in spades lately.

As she stood, preparing to make a break for it, she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning, she found herself staring into the face of her husband.

"Kara, I want to talk to you. You can't keep avoiding me like this!" Sam's face was tense and sad. It had been three weeks since she'd ended things between them, three weeks of making she didn't walk into a room until he'd already left. She'd been doing a fairly good job of it.

"We've said all we need to, Sam." With a sad sigh, she shrugged off his hand. She couldn't meet his eyes.

"We haven't said anything at all. Look, you needed a break, time to readjust, I get that. But its been weeks, Kara. I've tried to give you space, but you are still my wife!"

"Yeah, well, I might still look like your wife, but trust me when I tell you that person doesn't live here anymore!" A little heavy on the dramatic perhaps, but she was speaking the truth. It was as close as she'd come to explaining her feelings to anyone since the exodus. "I meant what I said, Sam. Leave me alone."

"I don't understand this, Kara. We were all on that frakking planet, and we all have demons to face with what the cylons did to us. Your experiences may have been different, but we were all prisoners in one way or another. You need to talk about it, let me help you get through this! I love you, baby…let me love you."

She knew she was shaking, mostly out of anger.

"You don't know anything about what I went through on that planet, Sam."

"I know I don't, because you won't talk to me about it! Help me understand, Kara. Even if you still want me to stay away afterward, help me understand why it is worth throwing away our marriage? Don't you realize that it doesn't matter to me what he did to you? Nothing that happened down there would make me change how I feel about you."

It was almost pathetic. She was looking him square in the face now, and small bubbles of hate were rising up inside of her. Why did she feel this need to hurt him? To lash out. She tried to push the waves of anger back down. She turned and started to walk away from him, trying to make it off the flight deck before she exploded in front of everyone.

He followed her. She knew that he would.

"I'm not going to give this up, Kara. Not this time. Talk to me!"

As they turned the corner into the corridor, she slowed to a stop. Controlling her voices as best she could, and without turning back to him, she took a deep but shaky breath.

"You think he raped me, is that it?" Her voices was quiet but hard. "You think that I'm worried you won't want me if I confess it?"

"Kara, nothing will make me stop wanting you." He was touching her again, trying to turn her face to his, with his hand on her chin. She wanted to gag.

A slow, terrible smile spread across her face. She gave in and turned to him.

"Sorry to disappoint you Sam. He never forced me. Said he wanted me to love him, and that he only wanted me if I came to him willingly." She watched his face, watched him turn that over and over again in his mind. Part of her wanted to leave him wondering, wanted the doubt to grow and grow until he couldn't take it anymore.

"Kara…" His voice was barely a whisper.

"Ask me Sam. Go ahead, I'll tell you…but you have to say the frakking words."

"Did…did you?" He was avoiding her eyes now. She had taken him further than he'd been prepared to go. In his worst nightmare she doubted he'd let himself think of that scenario.

She saw something in his face then that genuinely took her by surprise. He might not have allowed himself to imagine she could willingly give herself to a cylon, but now that she'd planted the seed of doubt, it had more than taken hold. He didn't look scared of her answer, he looked sad, as if her answer was a foregone conclusion. He believed she'd done it. It answered all his questions about her behaviour, it explained why she was avoiding him.

She'd meant to torture him with the suspense, but now she just wanted to hurt him. He actually believed that she would do something like that.

"He'd given me Kasey, Sam. He'd created a family for me. I had to make a choice, and I'd finally given up hoping the whole frakking nightmare was going to come to an end. So yes. Yes Sam, I did." It was a lie, from beginning to end. But it solved a lot of her problems at this point.

He didn't say a word. He dropped his eyes to the floor, as his shoulders slumped. Defeated, he turned and walked away in silence.

Aloud, to nobody but herself, Kara said, "Frak you all!"

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_The wind is strong, almost strong enough to hold her up on its own as she leans into it. Looking around, she realizes she is in a clearing, a small grove, surrounded by trees. There is no opening, no way out of the clearing. Part of her wonders how she got there in the first place._

_From beyond the forest she hears voices. A soft chanting, melodic and familiar, but just far away enough that she can't hear the words being sung. The sound fills her with a mixture of dread and hope. She is not alone._

_The sound of branches breaking behind her makes her jump. Twisting around quickly, she tries to focus her eyes, but the clearing has suddenly become grey and cloudy. She no longer sees trees, now she sees darkness, empty space. She is inside the cockpit of her viper. Still the voices chant._

_She punches at the control panel in front of her, trying to silence the sounds. Looking out at the blackness in front of her again, she realizes that she is in a flat spin, out of control. She knows that she should be doing something about this, but she can only concentrate on the chanting. The spin will have to wait._

_Then she is not in the viper anymore. She is back in the grove, this time standing next to a raptor. The clearing has grown, but it remains oddly the same. And now she knows she has been there before. This is Kobol. The trees have an old, knowing feeling. This is the dead planet full of life again. Home but no longer home. She has always been here, and now she knows she can never really leave. The planet is not done with her._

_The voices are getting louder, but she still can't make out what they are singing. It is haunting, and she realizes she is crying._

_"Kara"_

_She turns, and sees Kasey._

_"Hon..?" The child is the same, but not the same. She is still a baby, but her eyes hold a century of wisdom._

_"You have to come, Kara."_

_"I'm not your mother, Kasey. He lied to us." The small blond head tilts to one side, and the child continues as though she has not heard her._

_"You have to help us, Kara."_

_"I could have loved you, baby. I wanted you to be mine. I never realized how much I wanted you to be mine until you weren't"_

_The child looks at her, and Kara's heart breaks again. It is not sadness on Kasey's face, it is frustration. She understands that she is letting this child down, but she cannot remember what it was she was supposed to do for her._

_"Starbuck."_

_And it is his voice she hears now. Kasey's face disappears, the child's body becomes clouded in mist, and then is gone. She feels him behind her, feels his breath on her neck._

_"It isn't the end, Starbuck. We have a lot left to talk about."_

_She will not turn around. She knows his face will be more terrible here, in this place, than her memories have allowed it to be. Here, he will be more real than the groves, than Kasey, than the Raptor._

_"We have been wasting time, Kara. We are meant for more than what we have been so far. I'm waiting here, I'll wait for as long as it takes. I know you are coming. I have the light, Kara. You will come back for the light."_

_She opens her mouth to speak, but finds that no words will come. The air is being sucked out of her, as she struggles against it._

With a gasp, Kara is awake. Her chest pounds and she struggles to breath, and even as she swings her legs out over the side of the bunk, she can still feel his breath on her neck. It wasn't the first dream she'd had about Leoben. Since leaving Caprica, she'd often woke in a sweat, bits and pieces of the nightmares left in her head, usually of that dungeon she'd been kept in. She was plagued with the fear that she was still there.

This one, though, had been different. It was not fragments that stayed with her, she remembered every second, every sound, every breath. And it had not been New Caprica. It had been Kobol.

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	2. Chapter 2

**Ghosts **

**Chapter Two**

"Starbuck, technically you retain your rank. You are still a Captain." Admiral Adama sat behind his desk looking up at her. "Please, Kara, sit down."

"Thank you, Sir." She remained standing.

"There's going to have to be a lot of restructuring. When we had the Pegasus, we were stretched very thin for manpower, but now that she's gone, I'm shuffling my officers around like chess pieces." He ran a hand over his face and sat back with a sigh. "I'm going to retain command of Galactica. Tigh will remain my XO. That leaves me with a few difficult decisions to make. You were my CAG once, technically you outrank Kat."

"Sir, if it's all the same, I'm not asking to be reinstated as CAG. Kat can keep it." She was confused by this meeting. She'd not spent more than five minutes alone with the Old Man, by choice. There were conversations to be had that she meant to avoid at all costs. She felt this conversation had the dangerous potential to turn towards subjects best avoided.

"To be honest, I'm still mulling over several scenarios. A large part of this decision is going to rest on you, Kara. I've already spoken to Lee and Kat, and we are all in agreement about this." His eyes searched her face, and not for the first time since she'd been back Kara felt like she was on display.

"I'm not sure I'm following. All I want is to be allowed to fly, Sir. I just want to be contributing, I don't want to step on any toes."

"That is part of my concern. The Starbuck I knew wouldn't have cared about anybody's toes. The Starbuck I knew would have had all my confidence, and I wouldn't have questioned her ability to step back into service." His eyes didn't leave her face, not for a second. The implications of his words were not lost on her.

"You don't think I can do it?" She held her voice steady, and fixed her eyes to a spot on the wall above his head. She would not give into the cold foreboding that was creeping up on her. "I assure you, Sir, I might be a little bit rusty, but I'm still the best frakking pilot you've got."

"It isn't your ability that I question."

"Then what? I've got the chops, you know that. I've been up every day they'll let me near a viper. All I want to do is be out there, I want to be flying the next time we see the cylons, Sir. I want to be the one that takes the first shot." Now she met his eyes. She needed him to see the truth behind her words.

"Kara, I have no doubt you are still one of the most capable pilots, scratch that, THE most capable pilot I've got. But I have concerns about how you have been dealing with…well with everything. The CAG's reports have not been flattering, and when I asked Lee he told me the two of you haven't spoken since you've been back. And it is all over the ship about you and Anders…" His voice was very soft when he said that last bit, as though he realized he was treading in dangerous waters.

"Look, I'm sorry about the incident with the coms the other day. I've already explained to Kat that it was a technical glitch, and the Chief assures me everything is back in working order…I promise that won't happen again…" Frak them all, why did she feel like they were conspiring against her. Why couldn't they just let her fly!!!

"Its more than just a single incident, and you know it." He took a long, deep breath. "What I want, Kara, is to reorder the squadron. I want Lee to be the CAG and you and Kat to each head up a platoon of pilots, but I need to be sure…I need to know I can count on you. I want you to report to Doctor Cottle for a full examination…and I don't mean just physical. I need to know you can get past all of this and fully resume your duties."

"Sir, if I may speak freely…" She'd already seen the doctor, and he'd cleared her for flight status. She'd given him a barebones rundown of her time in captivity, all that she'd figured he'd needed to know. What more could he really do? Did he have some magic pill to stop the nightmares? She doubted it.

"Denied. Kara, this is not a request. The Doctor is expecting you. I expect you to be open and truthful with him."

She gave a slight nod, her teeth clenched. All she wanted to do was fly. She'd do what she needed to do to achieve that. She turned to leave, but his voice stopped her.

"Kara, one more thing." She turned back to him, her face defiant.

"I know you aren't happy with how things have turned out, but believe me when I tell you this hasn't been easy for any of us. I hope you know that when you are ready to talk, my door is open to you. It always has been."

She gave him a slight nod, holding on to her last bit of strength. She could not speak.

"Kara, I get why you need to fly. I do. I'm not going to keep you from that. When things fall apart the best that we can do is go with what we know until something better turns up, that is how I've always looked at things. But you have to hear me when I tell you that you can't go it alone. We all need each other." He stood up and started to walk towards her. She cut him off as quickly as she could.

"Thank you, Sir. I'll keep that in mind. Am I excused?"

He stopped and stared at her for a moment before nodding. She tried to ignore the sadness that had crept into his expression.

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It was Hot Dog who made room for her at the table, with an unsure smile. She begrudgingly sat down, eyeing the empty table beside them. Everything in her wanted to be alone right now, but she had to make an effort. She couldn't be grounded…she wouldn't survive it right now.

She tried to follow the conversation, smiling when she thought she should, keeping her eyes on the meal in front of her. As usual, they were talking about the occupation. This was the main topic of conversation wherever she went. One of the newer pilots was describing the rescue mission…again. She closed her eyes and chewed as quietly as she could.

She'd had no part in that mission. She'd been the one in need of rescue, and it was hard for her to listen to these stories. It was harder still to listen to stories of the occupation. Her memories of that time had very little in common with anybody else's. The first days of the occupation had been chaos for her. She'd had Sam to take care of, and the confusion had been overwhelming. What she remembered most was the hopeless feeling that had taken over most of the settlement, including herself. She'd felt more hopeless, and useless then than she had during the initial cylon attack. At least then she'd had a role to play.

The cylons had a way of making all of them feel that way. Like a pebble in a wave trying to hold back an ocean. Hopeless.

The day they'd taken her was mostly a blur. They'd been rounding up people in large groups, with no explanation. Several skin jobs with centurions for back up had come into their tent, guns pointed. Sam had been delirious, and she'd had no choice but to go with them. They'd held her for what felt like weeks in a cell, leaving her without food or water until she was too weak even to think.

Then he had come. Leoben. He'd washed her face with a damp cloth, and dressed her in fresh clothing. He'd hand fed her, and brushed her hair. She'd been sick, literally, at his feet. All the while he'd kept that same gods-awful expression on his face. Like he was tending to a favourite pet. And she'd hated herself for how grateful she felt to him for it. Hated herself and him.

At first he'd put up a front, acting as though he was interrogating her. She'd quickly realized his questions were pointless. Asking her over and over again for the com frequencies for Galactica, telling her they were still in orbit, but refusing to make contact. Telling her that all the cylons wanted was peace, and they wanted to convince Adama of that fact.

She'd known he was lying. She'd known instinctively that Adama was either gone or dead. Gone to fight another day, that was her bet. He wasn't quietly circling the planet waiting to see what happened. That wasn't his style. He'd taken what was left of the fleet to safety. Leoben's 'interrogation' was nothing more than an act, he was playing the part he thought she expected of him.

Under the guise of another 'tactic' she'd been taken to the apartment…or dungeon as she'd come to call it later. He'd brought her there as a reward for her cooperation. He'd granted her a night there, to sleep in a real bed, eat a real meal. It was a reward for not fighting him, for playing along with his act. She'd bought into this one, and had let herself enjoy that night. Hell, she'd even taken a bath.

It was just a night that time. Then it was back to the cell, back to sleeping on concrete and eating mush. He hadn't come back to her for days. That had been the routine for a while. He'd come, question her, reward her, then leave her in squalor.

The last time, though, was different. He'd brought her to the apartment, a strange expression on his face, and she'd finally confronted him. She'd had enough of the game, she'd looked for some way out and could find none, and feeling trapped finally put her over the edge. It was a physical confrontation, her attacking him. In her weakened state, it was a futile action. He'd overpowered her easily, and he'd laughed. Right in her face.

She had demanded he let her go home. Either let her go home or kill her once and for all. She'd all but begged him to put an end to it that night.

And he'd leaned in so close she could taste his sweat, whispering, "You are home, Kara. This is our home now."

Snapping back to the present, she looked around the mess hall. She knew every face, and yet felt like a complete stranger in this place. She smiled faintly as the table laughed again at some joke she'd missed, and remembered a time when it would have been her telling the jokes.

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_Even the wind can not drown out the sounds of the voices. She listens, but still cannot put her finger on why the song is so familiar. It fills her head, distracting her._

_She is alone in the grove. No Kasey, no Leoben, no Raptor. She remembers being here, she is aware, on some level that this is a dream. This time is different, this time she can see an opening in the trees. There is a path. This time she is not trapped, there is a way out._

_And then she is walking. The path is not straight, in fact it follows a familiar pattern. She has run this pattern more times than she can count, it is the same as the corridors on Galactica. This time instead of metal she is contained by the trees, and by the sound of the voices. They grow louder the farther in she goes._

_She stops dead in her tracks. There is a figure ahead of her, in shadows at first, but slowly he comes into focus. For a second she sees the cylon again, Leoben, but he quickly becomes somebody else. It is Lee. She wonders why the feeling of dread does not subside once she knows it is him. The urge to turn and run is still strong. But she stays._

_He does not acknowledge her as she approaches him. He is stone faced and silent. This hurts her more than she thought possible. Swallowing her fear, she reaches her hand up to his face, brushing the hair off of his forehead. She does not mean for this gesture to be so intimate, and regrets it almost as soon as it is done. _

_He has no reaction. He stares straight ahead, a twitch in his eye the only sign of life._

"_Lee, please, talk to me" Her voice sounds tired and frightened, and reminds her of a much younger version of herself, a child that she has forgotten._

_He turns to her, finally. His eyes are hard._

"_Lee, you have to come with me now, we have to go. I can't leave you here." She reaches her hand out to him again, but this time his comes up and grabs her wrist, stopping her movement. His grip is tight, and she suddenly feels claustrophobic. Between the closeness of the trees and the unbreakable grip he has on her wrist, she is overcome by an urge to flee._

"_Let go, Lee! Frak you…let me go!"_

_And then he is moving, pulling her back in the direction of the grove. She digs her heels in, and uses her other hand to try and grab hold of a tree for leverage. _

"_Not that way! We can't go back there Lee…please…let me go!" she is screaming now, panic setting in. Despite her efforts, he is making more ground than she, and they are creeping further and further back down the path._

_She looks up, towards the clearing, and sees what she has not noticed until now. It is light there. Such a bright light, she cannot look directly at it. _

_Leoben's words run through her head, "you will come back for the light." And she knows that what she needs to do is run as far and as fast as she can in the other direction. _

Her eyes flutter open and she is again in her bunk. Heart pounding so loudly in her ears that she's sure somebody else in the room will hear it, she puts her hands over her face. With a ragged breath, the tears start to flow.

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	3. Chapter 3

**Ghosts**

**Chapter Three**

"I've already told you, Doc, I'm fine. I was a week ago when we did this, and I'm still fine now." Kara sat on the gurney, her legs dangling like a child over the edge. Her head was hung in frustration.

Cottle leaned back against a table, his arms folded.

"I think the Admiral is concerned about your emotional state rather than your physical one. Have you talked to anybody about what happened to you yet, Captain Thrace?" The Doctor's eyes took in the whole picture. Her hunched shoulders, her head hung low, the stubborn look on her face.

"I've told you, nothing happened!" she hissed. "Why is everyone suddenly so consumed with this need to make me talk. I've said it again and again, that psychotic toaster set me up in an apartment, tried to convince me we had a child. He wanted me to love him, to be his wife. Physically, he did nothing to me. Mentally, yeah, he frakked with my head, but it is over. Let it be over for the love of the Gods!"

"Have you seen the girl since you've been back?"

Kara's head snapped up. "Kasey? No. She's with her mother, where she belongs."

"I've heard rumours that you've been getting regular reports on her progress. Bribing one of the shuttle pilots to bring you updates. Is that true?"

"I wouldn't exactly call them regular. Yeah, I made some inquires…there's no regulation against that. She was hurt under my care, and she was held by the cylons for who knows how long before he brought her to me. I was just making sure she was OK." Kara stood and started gathering her things together. "Are we done here, Doc? I'm due to fly the CAP in an hour, I'd like to get a run in first."

"I'm afraid I'm going to recommend you be grounded for the time being, Captain Thrace."

And there it was, the other shoe dropping. She felt her hand make a fist before she was really aware she was doing it, then managed to bring her anger into check. He hadn't missed the movement.

"Listen, Starbuck, you've been through something difficult, and to be frank with you I don't think you've even begun to deal with it yet. You have isolated yourself, you look like you haven't slept in a week, and I'd bet a weeks worth of rations that you haven't been eating properly, either. You are dangerous, I can't in good conscious clear you to fly a viper in this state. You'd end up killing yourself or somebody else."

"Doc…" She could barely speak. There was only one thing keeping her sane on this ship, and it was the ability to climb into that viper cockpit and fly out into the nothingness. He was taking that away from her.

"It is only temporary, Captain Thrace. Take this time, work through this. You'll be flying again in no time."

"What the frak am I supposed to do?" she cried, desperate. "I've told you I'm fine! I can't just snap my fingers and make the memories go away. I don't know what it is you think I am supposed to do? I'm not the only one who was on that frakking planet, and I'm not the only one that the cylons tortured. Why do you all think I'm the only one doing such a crap job of dealing with it?" she banged a fist down on the table beside the gurney, causing several medical instruments to fly off onto the floor. She closed her eyes at the noise, knowing she had not helped her case.

"Talk to somebody, Captain. If you don't want to talk to me, find somebody you trust. But talk to them. Let it out. I know its not a quick fix, but it is a start. You show me you've started, I'll clear you to fly again. You have my word on that." His tone was resolute. "Good day, Captain. And take my suggestion…go get some sleep."

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Kara did not sleep. Not then, not later. Instead she found herself in the gym, doing what had become her second favourite thing lately. Beating up inanimate objects. If they weren't going to let her vent her frustrations in a viper then she would have to settle for this.

Sweat poured down her face and back as her fists made contact repeatedly with the bag hanging in the middle of the room. There had been several people in the facility when she'd arrived, but they'd make a quick exit once she'd gotten going. Lightweights, all of them.

Behind her someone cleared his throat. She jumped a little, surprised that she had let her guard down so much so that she hadn't noticed someone entering the room. Panting, she turned and found herself face to face with Lee Adama.

"I didn't mean to scare you, Starbuck." His voice was tight. The two of them stared at each other in silence for a few moments, with only the sound of Kara's breathing between them.

She pulled off her gloves and threw them to a corner. "Yeah, well, maybe you should start wearing a bell." She looked him up and down and felt a new wave of anger coming over her. She'd seen him from a distance since she'd been back, never up close. He'd gained some weight. She pictured him sitting on the Pegasus all of those months, comfortable and safe, with food and medicine at his disposal.

He noticed her look, and had the good taste to look sheepish.

"You looking for a sparring partner? I could use the practice…and the exercise." Lee started towards the equipment lockers, attempting to break the tension in the room.

"I don't think you could handle me right now, Apollo. Come back after you've run a few more laps." Her voice dripped with disdain, and his face flushed.

He bit back. "So I hear you're grounded. How's that going?"

Kara turned back to the bag, bare fisted, and resumed pounding. She ignored the barb. "So how's the family? It has been a while, there's a lot to catch up on. What have you been doing with yourself, since you obviously haven't been spending your time in here?"

Lee sighed. "Can we please not do this now, Kara? Can we try to be civil for five minutes? Why do we have to pick right up where we left off?"

"If I remember things correctly, Lee, you were the one at my throat back then. Turnabout is fair play, after all." They had not parted on good terms when she'd left for the colony. Lee had cornered her the night before she left, just a few days before she married Sam, and tore into her about abandoning the fleet. He'd bit hard that night, and she could still feel the sting.

"That was a long time ago, and a lot has changed since then." His voice softened, and he caught her eyes. "I'd like to try again, Kara. A lot has changed, but a lot has stayed the same. You still mean a lot to me, that will never change."

She stared at him, her mind racing. He'd said so much to her that night. He'd called her disloyal to the fleet, called her weak for leaving. He'd ridiculed the idea that she would give it all up for marriage. All she knew how to do was fight, how did she think she could ever fit into a civilian colony, that was what he'd asked her. But when he'd brought up Zak, that had ended it for Kara. He'd called her disloyal to their family, disloyal to Zak's memory, not because she was marrying somebody else, but because she was walking away from the Adamas and the fleet to do it.

"Who the hell do you think you are, Lee? You care about me? Is that really what you just said?" Her voice was shaking, and she knew she had only a few precious moments before she lost control completely. She refused to let him see her cry. Not now. Not after everything. She started walking towards the door, but turned back to him. "If you had cared about me, you would have been there for me when I was making the hardest decision of my life, instead of doing your best to make it harder for me. If you had cared about me, you wouldn't have left us on that Godsforsaken planet with the cylons. If you cared about me now you wouldn't be going to your father behind my back telling him I'm not fit to fly!"

"That's not the way it happened, Kara, and you know it!" He was pale, and he took a step towards her.

"Frak you, Lee! You told me that if I left I wasn't welcome back. Well, here I am. Deal with it however you have to, but save your 'try again' crap for someone who cares!"

She sprinted out the door, quickly enough that he didn't see the tears come.

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Assume you are already dead. They teach that in flight school. When you go out for any mission, assume you are already dead, fight like you have nothing to lose, and you will fight without fear.

Kara had lived most of her life by that mantra. Fighting had been all she'd known for a very long time. The year on the planet had been a struggle for her, trying to adjust, never quite fitting in. But even there she'd still been in fight mode, fighting to adjust, fighting to survive on that ball of dirt.

She realized that in all that time, she'd never really known what it meant. Now she felt dead. Now, if they would let her, she might actually know what it was like to fight without fear. She'd come very close in the past, but nothing like this. There was quite literally nothing left for her to lose, she'd either pushed it away already or had it taken from her. It was all gone.

She was running the corridor when the alarm started to sound.

_**Action stations…action stations, set condition one throughout the ship, incoming cylon raiders… this is not a drill, repeat this is not a drill…**_

It was happening. The cylons had found them. The fight, run, fight cycle was beginning again. Kara sprinted directly to the hangar deck, anxious to test her new found fearlessness. She wondered only for a moment why the appearance of cylons felt like such a relief to her.

It was Kat who met her first.

"Absolutely not, Starbuck! Get your ass out of here now! That is an order!" The current CAG's voice was commanding, her stress level high and obvious as she tried to hold Kara off while at the same time directing the pilots to their stations and pulling on her own flight suit.

"Sir, you need me out there! Who knows what you are sending them into. You know I'm the best pilot you've got!" Kara thought she might have a chance at bullying Kat into letting her fly.

"Kat, we've got two bandits coming hard, get your people in the air, now!" It was Apollo, striding onto the hangar floor. "The CAP is out there on their own, heading towards the raiders now, but they need backup. Who knows what's coming behind the raiders. If a base ship jumps in they'll be frakked!"

"Yes Sir!" Kat sprinted away towards her viper.

Apollo brushed past Kara. "Leave, Kara. Now. You're in the way, and I'm not letting you near a viper."

"Fine! Don't come crying to me when they get shot out of the sky!" Cursing him, and once again feeling completely useless, Kara strode away.

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_She is face down in the grass, and for a moment she allows herself to breathe in the smell of something natural, something that is not cold steel, not old sweat and dirt. For a moment she is reminded of being small, running through grass that smelled just like this. For a moment she forgets what she was always running away from, and is comforted by the memory._

_The light is blinding, and snaps her back to her surroundings. She is on the path. She is alone. The light is behind her, and again drives her to start moving as far and as fast as she can away from it._

_Something is missing. There are no voices. The chant has been silenced, and the silence is oppressive. As she moves through the trees, she dares to look back over her shoulder, into the light. She can see the outline of a man, but he is too far away for her to recognize. _

_He is not following her. But he is watching her, she feels it._

_As she walks, she finds it harder and harder to move forward. There is no pain, but she feels a strange tightness in her chest, and in her legs, as though her body is hardening._

_Looking down at herself, she is in her flight suit, but then she is not. She is in a long, vibrantly coloured tunic, that is torn and dishevelled. In her right hand she is carrying her flight suit helmet, and allows herself to wonder what good that will do without the rest of the suit. Where had she left it. She knows she will need it again._

_Then there is sound. Different than before. Not voices now but like a distant thunder. She looks to the sky, and registers for the first time that it is night. Searching for the familiar, she realizes the stars are not aligned in any configuration she has known. She recognizes several constellations, but they are out of place, rearranged._

_She cannot locate the source of the sound, but unlike the strange voices from before, now she feels drawn towards it. That sound is her salvation. As it grows, it becomes more and more familiar._

_It is the sound of Galactica. Or of a ship at any rate. The thunder is actually the whirring of engines. A way out. A way home. _

_Pushing forward, time becomes an issue again. She turns back again, and sees the figure, still unmoving but the distance between them has not changed. It is like she has not moved forward at all. Forcing her next few steps, she is again distracted by the tightness, that is quickly becoming a burn._

_Pulling at the tunic, she pulls it up as high as she can, and clutches at her bare chest._

_It is moist. _

_Pulling her hands away, they are thick with blood._

_Oh Gods! _

_There is no pain, but a panic overtakes her, and a cold chill goes through her. Falling to her knees she realizes she has dropped her helmet, and this becomes even more distressing than the blood. They can fix her body, if she can get to the thunder, but they cannot replace that helmet._

_And once again she is face down in the grass, tears streaming down her face. _

"_Not again. Please, not again." Her voice is small and hollow. _

This time, as she wakes, there is no panic. Just an overwhelming sadness.

Once, what seemed like a lifetime ago, she'd dreamed she was at her wedding, with Zak Adama. She'd felt such a relief standing with him, saying their vows. In that dream she had remembered his death, but the reality of him standing before her convinced her mind that his death had not been real. It had been the dream. Like a weight lifting from her body, she'd gazed into his eyes, and thanked the Gods for bringing him back to her.

When she'd awakened from that dream, the force of the grief had hit her as though Zak had died all over again.

Now, lying in her bunk, waking from this nightmare, she had a similar sensation. Like a long forgotten sadness had been renewed full force.

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	4. Chapter 4

**Ghosts**

**Chapter Four**

**AN: Although this is now AU, I will try to incorporate what I can from current episodes. This chapter may contain mild spoilers up to "Torn" but please bear in mind it is still AU. Some of the character relationships may no longer be in sync.**

Kara surveyed the pilot's rec room. Another cylon raider party had found the fleet that day; another firefight Kara had missed out on. A gaggle of pilots were celebrating their kills, most of them already too drunk to stand. It was another test. Another smile to paste on her face, another public display of how well adjusted she could be for the powers that be.

She needed to fly.

Sharon and Helo sat together at an otherwise empty table, sickeningly sweet expressions on their faces. She headed towards them. She was here to make an appearance. She figured the fewer people she interacted with the better…less chance that she might put someone's eyes out.

"Mind if I join you?" She was already seated before she even bothered to ask. Her eyes were still surveying the room.

"Hey, Kara." Helo was hesitant but his smile was genuine.

Sharon's smile was also hesitant, but held something more. It was almost hopeful. The two women had not exactly had the easiest relationship. Kara flashed a smile back, though hers came off more like a snarl. Here she was sitting across a table from a frakking cylon, a cylon who Adama trusted enough to let fly. Meanwhile she wasn't even allowed on the hangar deck. What was the universe coming to, anyway?

"I hear they kicked some cylon ass out there today. Guess they didn't need me as much as I thought they did." She tried to make this sound as light hearted as possible, but even she could hear the bitter note in her voice.

"They all came home. That makes it a good day." Karl Agathon always tried to find the bright side to every situation. Suddenly Kara realized how much she had missed him. The realization surprised her. "You know they need you, Starbuck, you don't have to question that!"

"Have they given you any idea about how long they're going to keep you grounded, Starbuck?" Sharon's face was open, and Kara heard no hint of sarcasm or barb in her voice. Still, she kept her eyes on Helo, barely acknowledging the woman.

"They want me to 'deal' with what happened on New Caprica. When I do that to their satisfaction, I get my wings back." Kara reached for the bottle in the middle of the table. "Hey, you got enough here for me to have a taste?"

Helo was faster than she was, and was pouring her a drink before she'd even finished the question.

"Thanks. The thing is, I don't know what they expect me to do? I've put it behind me, for frak sakes. I'm trying to move on, but they won't let me. They ground me, but I'm stuck on this ship like a frakking prisoner. How exactly is that supposed to help the situation?" She sucked back the clear liquid, enjoying the burn it left as it travelled down her throat and warmed her belly.

Sharon shifted in her seat and coughed quietly. "Well, if you are interested, I'm doing a supply run in the morning, I could ask to have you along as my security detail. People aren't always as happy to see me as you'd think." She said this with a quiet laugh. "It would get you out of here for a few hours, anyway."

Kara studied her for a moment, and the table was quiet. It was a raptor, not a viper, and she wouldn't be the one doing the flying, but she'd be getting away from all the scrutiny. That would make having to put up with the company worth it.

"Yeah, Ok…" She held her glass out, ready for another, "Sure, I'm in."

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The raptor was docked at the Geminon Traveller, unloading medical supplies. Sharon was on the deck going over the cargo she was going to be loading onto the raptor. Her new call sign was Athena. Kara said it out loud a couple of times, letting it roll off of her tongue. Not for the first time today, she found herself thinking how ironic it was that a cylon was now a full-fledged Lieutenant in the Colonial Fleet.

"How quickly they forget!" she muttered. She wasn't going to complain, though. Sharon had gotten her off of Galactica, which is more than she'd been able to do for herself. Still, she wasn't about to turn her back on the toaster anytime soon.

She was sitting in the raptor's pilot chair, her feet up on the console, biting her nails. They had three more ships to get to before they had to head back. By her calculations, she'd be able to stretch this out until this evening. It was almost like a vacation. If this went well, if she behaved, maybe she could turn this into a regular gig until they let her get back in the vipers. She could handle that. She wasn't serving any real purpose in her current state.

A sudden bright light flooded the cargo deck. Kara snapped to attention, squinting against the light. It faded almost as quickly as it had come, in time for Kara to see the figure standing in the cargo bay doors. It was only a brief glimpse, as he turned and disappeared into the corridor, but it was long enough.

"Oh my Gods!" Her voice cracked as she spoke. She scrambled out of the raptor, pulling her sidearm from its holster.

"Starbuck! What the frak is going on?" Sharon started towards her, her voice raised. Activity in the cargo bay came to a halt, and all eyes were on Kara.

"It was a cylon! A frakking cylon! He was standing right there!" She was running now, almost to the corridor. "It was him!"

"Starbuck, wait!"

She ignored the flurry of activity behind her, ignored Sharon's cries. She knew what she'd seen and he wasn't going to get away from her. She'd tear this ship apart if she had to. She ran through the corridor with her sidearm in hand.

And there he was.

Leoben.

He'd turned down a corridor that ended abruptly. He had nowhere to go. She came up behind him as he turned to face her. He was smiling that same frakking smile. She levelled the weapon, pointed it directly at his forehead.

"How the hell did you get on this ship? How could they not recognize you, you mother frakker!" She was shouting, spit flying out her mouth and hitting his face.

"I've been waiting for you, Kara." His smile never faltered.

"Starbuck, no! Put down your weapon!" Sharon's voice was panicked as she came up behind her. Glancing over her shoulders she saw more than seven men, all with weapons drawn and pointed squarely at her.

"You idiots! He's a cylon! How could you not have noticed him, how could you not have recognized him? He's been right here under your frakking noses!"

"Sir, lower your weapon!" The man directly to her right had the barrel of his weapon now pressed against the back of her head. She closed her eyes, silently cursing their stupidity. She cocked her gun, and prepared to take the shot.

As her finger began to tighten on the trigger, she opened her eyes and all at once the universe shifted right in front of her eyes. The man standing at the other end of her weapon was a pale, shaky boy, not more than twenty years old, if that. Leoben was gone. As her mind tried to wrap itself around that fact, the man behind her lowered the butt of his weapon on her skull.

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"I don't know what happened, Sir. She went crazy, took off running. They had to knock her out to stop her from shooting that poor kid."

Sharon's voice was shaking, and seemed to be coming from very far away. Kara didn't even try to open her eyes, knowing the effort was probably going to cause her more pain than it would be worth. And when she opened them there would be questions. She wasn't ready for that yet.

It was Admiral Adama's voice she heard next, and she cursed silently. So much for showing him how well she was handling everything.

"What the hell set her off?" His voice was controlled.

"She was screaming about the kid being a cylon."

"Well, is he a cylon? What do we know about this 'kid'?"

Another voice, one she couldn't place, answered the question. "No sir. His name is Jonah Wiles. I've known him for most of his life, knew his parents back on Geminon. He's no more a toaster than I am."

"Sharon? Do you have anything to add?"

"He's not a cylon, Sir."

Well, Kara thought, she'd know.

She stayed still until she'd heard their footsteps walking away. Then she braved the pain and opened her eyes. She was in sickbay, on Galactica. She must have been unconscious for a while if they managed to get her all the way back here before she'd woken up.

She didn't understand what had happened. She'd seen Leoben. There was no doubt in her mind about that. He'd spoken to her. And then he'd just been gone. So did that make him a ghost, or did it make her insane? Or was the truth some mixture of the two?

She tried to sit up, and immediately regretted it. It felt like someone had driven a spike through the back of her head. Falling back against the pillow, she took a ragged breath.

"Lords of Kobol, hear my prayer," she whispered. "I think I might be losing my mind. Or not. Either way I'm in trouble. Please… help me."

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_She lies flat, staring up at familiar constellations. There is something inside of her, pushing her to start moving, but she ignores it. She is tired. She wants to rest. _

_The thunder is faint here, but the sound persists. It is not too late. She just needs to move. _

_She is not in the grove. She is not even in the forest. There are no trees here, no soft sounds of leaves rustling. Here it is hard and cold. Her body begins to ache from the cold as she lies there. Sitting up she looks around, and realizes she is not alone._

_Dozens of faces watch her from the shadows. She is in some type of courtyard, and the faces peer in at her from behind walls and from behind columns. Dozens of pairs of sharp eyes all focussed on her. _

"_Please, help me." Her voice is hoarse. They don't even blink. _

"_Kara." The name is followed by a giggle. Turning, she sees Kasey standing alone near a doorway._

"_I don't understand, Kace…I don't know what you need from me?" The child raises her small hand and beckons Kara to follow her. Then she backs up into the doorway._

_Kara's steps are hesitant. She can see the young girl's face, smiling and hopeful. She follows her through the doorway, and finds herself on a stone balcony. She feels this place could have been magnificent, if it wasn't so sad._

_Looking out, off of the balcony, Kara's breath is taken away by the sheer size of what she is seeing. It is a city, so vast that she cannot see the end of it. But it is unlike any city she has seen before. Though light is low, and night still envelopes them, she can feel the emptiness of what is before her._

"_Where are they?" She looks down at the child. Tears stream down Kasey's face, and she is inconsolable. Kara picks her up, tries to soothe her, holding the small head against her shoulder. "Hush, baby. I'm here."_

_As she holds the child, she begins to feel the heat radiating from her small body. Kara kneels, laying Kasey on the ground in front of her. She is soaking wet, and her eyes are rolled back so that only the whites are showing. _

"_Kasey, honey, wake up!" The girl is convulsing now, and Kara turns back towards the courtyard in panic._

"_Somebody, please, talk to me. She is sick... she needs help! I don't know what to do for her!" They all stare at her, unmoved._

_Then the chanting begins, this time coming at her from all directions. That song. That same frakking song. She wants to scream at them, wants them to listen to her, but the song confuses her mind. She looks behind her, but Kasey is gone._

"_Stop! Stop singing!" She runs to the centre of the yard. Folded neatly on the ground is her flight suit with her helmet perched on top of the pile._

"_Do you think…" the voices blend, their harmony resonates through the stone yard. "That you could ever…"_

"_I'm not leaving her here!" She screams wildly. "Bring her back, I'm not going to leave here without her!"_

"_Through all eternity…."_

_Why does she know this frakking song? She gathers up the flight suit, holding it tight to her chest as she'd been holding Kasey only moments earlier. It is important that she take the suit. _

"_Find out the generation…."_

"_I'm coming, Kasey! I'm coming back for you!" She is sobbing now, the voices so loud that her head throbs in agony. She needs to go. She needs to leave this place now. This knowledge is absolute and the urgency is unmistakeable. "I promise I'll be back. I won't leave you, baby."_

"_Where Gods began to be."_

Her eyes flutter open, and it takes her a moment to remember where she is. Still on Galactica, still in sickbay. The lights are low, and the curtain around her bed has been pulled closed. It must be late.

For a few moments she thinks she is alone, and allows her mind to replay the dream over and over, trying to make sense of it. How can one dream of something one has never seen. She'd never seen a city like that, and she'd been to almost all of the Thirteen Colonies.

Her breath catches in her throat as she feels a warm hand cover hers.

"Nice of you to join us, Kara. I was starting to get worried."

Turning her head, she tries to reconcile these words with the face staring back at her, sitting at her bedside and holding her frakking hand.

Lee.

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**A/N: OK…so the song itself is borrowed. It is a Mormon Hymn written by William W Phelps, called "If you could hie to Kolob."**


	5. Chapter 5

**Ghosts **

**Chapter Five**

Kara pulled her hand back, tucking it under the thin blanket. Disappointment played across Lee's face as he leaned back in his chair.

"What happened today, Kara?" His eyes met hers and held her gaze. She could not get a read on his thoughts. There'd been a time, ages ago, when she'd known exactly what he was thinking almost before he thought it. Now she had no clue.

"Is this an official debriefing, Sir?" She'd aimed for sarcasm, but it came out sounding more tired than anything else. "If not, I'd rather see the doctor so he can let me go back to my own bunk."

"If that's what it takes to get you to talk to me, then yes, this is official." He stood and smoothed down the wrinkles in his uniform. She realized he must have been sitting there for a while.

"I saw a cylon. I went after him. I got hit in the head. Now I'm here." She closed her eyes. "Now can I please see the doctor?"

"Doc's gone for the night, Kara. He left strict instructions to keep you here until he gets back tomorrow. You aren't going anywhere so you might as well get comfortable." He sighed. "There was no cylon. My father ordered a thorough search of the Geminon Traveller. They found nothing. And Athena confirmed that the man you cornered was not a cylon, just a kid who's probably not sleeping too well tonight."

She was shaking. She was angry with herself for this display of weakness, and could only hope that he wouldn't notice. Of course the kid wasn't a cylon. She'd seen that with her own eyes at the end. What was she supposed to tell him? Should she explain that she'd followed Leoben down that corridor? That it had been Leoben's face that she'd pointed her weapon at? It had been Leoben's life that she'd been about to end?

How the hell could she tell him that? How the hell was she supposed to explain a cylon who disappears into thin air? She couldn't without making herself look crazy.

"Sir, I don't know what to say. I thought he was a cylon. I thought I was doing my job, protecting the fleet. I made a mistake." She twisted the blanket in her hand, hoping the thin fabric would steady the quakes that were running through her…or at least mask them from his view.

"I know there's more to it than that, Kara." His voice was soft, and her stomach lurched. She silently begged him not to push her too far, shooting him a look warning him to drop it. But he either didn't get it, or he chose to ignore it. "You talk in your sleep. Did you know that?"

She glared at him silently, not trusting herself to speak. The knot of anger in her stomach tightened. It would be very easy to unleash her rage on Lee. Frankly, she couldn't think of any reason to spare him, he hadn't held back for her sake when he'd been angry with her for resigning her commission. He'd given it to her full force.

Still, if she started, she didn't think she'd be able to stop.

He sat back down and took a deep breath.

"Listen, I get that you don't want to talk about it, and I get that you really don't want to talk to me. So for now I just want you to listen." His jaw twitched as he gauged her reaction to his words. "Can you do that, Kara, please?"

"I'm kind of a captive audience here, Lee." Her head was pounding and she just wanted to get this over with. The longer he was here the harder it got for her to hold it together.

"I'm sorry. I've wanted to tell you that for almost a year and a half now. I'm sorry for what I said, for how I reacted, and now I'm even more sorry that I wasn't there for you on New Caprica." He put his head into his hands, tearing his eyes away from hers. She looked straight ahead, trying to keep her expression neutral, trying not to let him see what these words were doing to her.

"This isn't easy for me, Kara. Admitting that I reacted badly, behaved badly, is not something I do very well. But losing you, losing your friendship, was the worst mistake I've ever made. I want you to know I regretted those words, about Zak, as soon as they were out of my mouth, but by then it was too late. No take-backs." His voice shook with emotion, and he reached his hand out and started picking at her blanket.

"You see, the whole time we were on the run from the cylons, you were the one thing I was sure of. You were a pain in the ass most of the time, sure, but you were Starbuck. You were my best friend, and the only person who really knew me. And I loved knowing that I was the only person who really knew you." He paused and took a deep breath. "I don't really know when it started falling apart. It was before New Caprica, I know that for sure. Hell, I think it was even before you brought Anders back. Either way, I just turned around one day and realized you weren't there anymore…not really, not the way you had been."

It was getting hard for her to breath, her eyes darted around the room, trying to find something, anything, other than him to focus on.

He continued.

"When you brought Anders back, everything was different. Suddenly there was this other person in your life, another person who was standing where I wanted to be. Instead of Starbuck and Apollo, it was Kara and Sam. I tried to accept it, I really did. I had Dee, and I figured that our relationships were bound to affect our friendship, but at least we could still be Starbuck and Apollo out there, when we were flying. And then one day you announce that you are leaving. You were giving that up. You were giving me up, Kara, and I couldn't stand how easy it was for you to do. I lashed out at you because I wanted you to hurt as much as I did. I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am for that." He ran his hand through his hair, then caught and held her gaze.

"I look at you and I still see my best friend. I see someone I care about more than I can say and she is in pain. You are on the verge of self destructing and it is killing me that you aren't coming to me, that you aren't talking to me." Her entire body was rigid now. He sat back, watching her face, searching for something there. She didn't know what the right reaction was.

The silence dragged on. He was waiting for her to speak. She knew that. She had not expected this; his vulnerability took her completely by surprise. She'd been prepared to fight, to defend herself. She'd expected to be called weak, or crazy. She had not expected him to expose himself to her in this way.

Finally he stood. He slowly leaned towards her, and brushed a strand of hair off of her face. "Ok, Kara. I just needed you to know how I felt. I want my friend back. I _need_ you in my life. I miss you. When you're ready, you know where to find me."

He turned to leave and something inside her broke. She opened her mouth, fully intending to lash out. She was angry that he was having this effect on her, and she wanted to push him away.

But her throat was so tight she could barely get a single word out. All she managed was a strangled, "Lee…"

He turned back to her. And then she was sobbing, crying so hard she was gasping for breath. She was not aware that he'd come back to the bed until she felt his arms gathering her in close. She didn't have the strength to think, she just allowed herself to be held, to be comforted.

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The dreams had stopped. It had been three weeks since Kara's breakdown in sickbay, and life was returning to something that resembled normal. Slowly.

She'd had no other hallucinations and no more public outbursts. She'd taken a trip to the Geminon Traveller, by her own decision, and had apologized to the kid, Jonah. That had almost been fun. It bolstered her confidence a little to know she could still scare a man speechless, even if she had to turn into a psycho to do it. He'd practically hid behind a hatch door while she was talking to him, but he'd accepted her apology.

She and Lee had been sparring together daily. Admittedly, there were still some awkward moments between them, but he never pressed her to say more than she wanted to. All of the internal pressure that had been pushing on her for weeks seemed to have been released, she'd let it out that night in front of Lee. She hadn't told him everything, but she'd tried to express the anger, the need to push everyone as far away from her as possible, and then the loneliness that followed. She'd left sickbay the next day feeling drained and exhausted, but for the first time in months she'd actually felt relief, and something else. Hope.

And she had told him about the dreams.

He hadn't judged her, he just listened as she explained how unsettling the dreams were, how foreign the place was and yet how certain she was that it was Kobol. He'd even offered a couple of theories about what the images might mean, trying to relate the fear and need to escape she felt in the dreams to her memories of New Caprica. She knew he missed the mark with his interpretations, but she did appreciate his willingness to try.

Now she stood outside Admiral Adama's quarters, having been summoned over the intercom. Hope welled inside of her that he was going to reinstate her flight status, but she was afraid to put too much stake in that possibility. She didn't want to end up disappointed.

"Captain Thrace, please, come in." The Admiral's voice was firm, but she could hear the affection in it. She'd missed that.

"Thank you, Sir." She flashed him her signature grin.

"I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see you smiling, Kara. It's been a long time. Have a seat." He pointed to the empty chair at the desk. "Doctor Cottle reports that you've recovered from the blow to your head very well. He also reports that he saw no signs of sleep deprivation or heightened stress levels, so he has cleared you for flight status. So I guess that leaves me with a decision to make."

Her heart flipped. She was so close.

"Do you think you are ready, Kara?"

"I do, Sir."

"Well, then, Captain Thrace, I am happy to have you back. Report to the CAG in the morning."

"Thank you, Sir." Things were finally falling back into place for her. She turned and was about to leave when he interrupted her.

"One more thing Starbuck." He was walking towards her with his arms outstretched. For the second time she found herself in the arms of an Adama and it felt like home.

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_The cell is damp; her body is broken. He has not been here for days, and she has not eaten in as long. He is waiting for her answer, but she cannot remember the question. Her chest burns, and she touches the spot where he cut her. Not deep enough to kill her, but deep enough to make his point. Her life is in his hands._

_The lock clicks and the door scrapes open. The white light from the corridor floods the cell, blinding her, and she squints her eyes in protest. Weeks ago she would have charged at the man entering the room, hoping to escape, but no more. Now she hopes only to have the strength to withstand whatever torment he has brought for her._

_He kneels down beside her and strokes her dirty hair. _

"_Kara." He says her name tenderly, almost sadly. "Look at me, Kara."_

_Her eyes focus slowly; she blinks rapidly, trying to adjust to the light. He gently brushes a tear from her cheek._

"_One more question, Kara. That's all you have to answer and then you can go. Why are you being so stubborn? You have the power to make this stop. I already know you are going to tell me, so I don't understand why you are fighting so hard."_

"_I…don't…know…what…you…want…" Her voice cracks and it is hard to speak. Her throat is so dry that even the air hitting it causes her pain._

"_You do know, Kara. This can all be over if you just tell them what they want to know. I can help you if you tell them." Leoben's lips brush her forehead, an attempt to comfort her._

_She recoils, the back of her head smashing against the hard wall and causing another flash of light._

"_You have to go back, Kara. You are forgetting something very important. You are going to remember. It has already happened, you just have to remember." _

_She tries to scream, tries to repel him with her voice, but can only choke out a painful grunt. Turning, she claws at the wall behind her, trying to dig her way through, away from him. She can feel him breathing, the sound fills the tiny room._

_She sobs as her fingers tear at the cement, each motion more painful than the last, until she feels the skin start to give way. She is about to give up the futile attempt when she realizes the breathing has stopped. She glances over her shoulder and she is no longer in the cell._

_Pressing her back flat against the wall, she looks around wildly, trying to place where she is. She has been here before. It is the courtyard. Only it is light, such a very bright light. And she is alone. _

_In the centre of the yard, again, is her flight suit, neatly folded. She looks down and she is in the tunic. It is a brilliant blue streaked with reds and yellows. So beautiful, like nothing she has ever seen. _

_It is almost time to go, she realizes. There is no fear this time, just the odd sensation of knowing she has forgotten to do something._

_She turns back to the wall, and can see the streaks of blood from her hands, from where she has tried to claw her way through._

_She runs her hands over these streaks and this time there is no pain. The wall is warm now, and no longer rough, but smooth and polished. She caresses the wall, enjoying the feel of it under her fingers._

_Her finger catches on a groove in the wall. She traces it up as far as she can reach. Stepping back, she can see the groove. She can see that it follows the path of what must have been a large archway in the stone, but the opening has been filled in with the same smooth stone she has been pressed against._

_She looks down at her hands, and they are bleeding again. She panics, and suddenly she is beating her bloody fists against the stone screaming. _

"_Let me in! Please, he is coming! You have to let me in!"_

Kara's eyes flew open, and she found herself back in her bunk. Sitting up, she ran her fingers through her hair, smoothing it down.

"Frak!" She pounded her fist against the metal wall beside her. "Frak! Frak! FRAK!"

Almost immediately three or four 'shhhh's' sounded out in unison.

She fell back against the pillow, but she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep again tonight.

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	6. Chapter 6

**Ghosts**

**Chapter Six**

**A/N: This chapter contains spoilers for episode 3-06, 'Torn'. As I've said before I plan on incorporating certain aspects of the BSG universe progression into this story, but please realize that this is AU. I've taken what I think fits in with the AU storyline, and it may not follow the 'real' progression exactly. Thanks for reading! D.**

Kara and Kat stood in the CAG's office, staring at Lee Adama with something bordering on disbelief. He sat at his desk with several star charts spread in front of him, his expression indecipherable. Kara noted that the time he'd been spending in the gym was paying off; he was looking almost like his old self again.

"Sir, you can't be serious!" Kat's voice contained a trace of a whine. Kara grimaced with distaste at the sound, but bit her tongue. "It will take weeks to search each of these coordinates! If our orders are to focus all of our resources on the search, then we'll be sitting ducks if the cylons find us! It's a bad idea, a really bad idea."

Lee stared at her for a moment then turned his attention to Kara. "Starbuck, you have anything to add?"

It took every ounce of self-control that she had, but she managed to hold her comments back for the moment. "No, Sir. But I agree that it will be like looking for a needle in a haystack. What do we have to go on?"

Lee began rifling through the papers on his desk, finally finding the one he was looking for. He passed it to Kara, who glanced at it then passed it to Kat.

"That's a chart for the Lagoon Nebula. That's what we were searching for before we found New Caprica. Kara, you'd remember it from the Tomb of Athena." Kara nodded, remembering the map of constellations they'd seen while in the Tomb. "Well, last week we were finally in range to jump a raptor to its coordinates, and the area is clear, no sign of cylons. The President wants us to make the jump and take the fleet to the Nebula. She believes it is the next step on the road to Earth."

Kat interrupted, "So if we have the coordinates of the Nebula, why are we sending out every raptor and raptor pilot we have to search these other systems?"

"Based on the research done by Dr. Baltar, the President and the Admiral believe the next step in the search is another Nebula, one shaped like a lion's head. Mr. Gaeta compiled a list of possible systems, and we'll be deployed from the Lagoon Nebula to explore those systems."

Kara couldn't hold it in any longer. "To search for a 'lion's head'?" The sarcastic tenor in her voice was unmistakeable.

Lee shot her a warning look. "We've both seen stranger things, Starbuck. And we've both acted on information that was much more vague than this. Do I have to be the one to remind you about your little hijacking stunt when you jumped back to Caprica? For an arrow?"

"Point taken, Sir." She nodded once at him. Better to have a vague direction than none at all, she supposed. "So they trust the information Baltar left, then? Just like that?"

"Mr. Gaeta is double checking everything, and he is convinced that Baltar was on the right track. Ours is not to question, we just take orders and carry them out." Lee gathered up the papers, putting them into a neat stack on the side of the desk. He stood and addressed them with determination in his voice, "Once the fleet makes the jump to the Lagoon Nebula, I want the raptors deployed immediately. Kat, I'm keeping you with the vipers, you'll be in charge of scheduling and executing the CAP. Kara, you'll get a list of pilots and coordinates, and you'll oversee the search."

Both women snapped to attention and nodded in assent. "Yes, Sir!" They said, in unison.

"Dismissed."

Kat turned and exited the room, but Kara hung back.

"Yes, Starbuck? Was there something else?" Lee glanced up at her.

She was nervous. She'd been trying to find a way to bring the subject up with him for days without being too obvious. This new mission had opened a door for her. Still, she knew there would be questions and she wasn't sure how she was going to answer.

"Lee, how much of Dr. Baltar's work did they let you see? Did they give you the Intel gathered from Kobol?"

He studied her face for a moment, puzzled. Sitting back in his chair he smiled at her, his eyes flashing a perplexed look. "They gave me enough for us to proceed with the mission. Why, Kara? Was there something specific you were looking for?"

Biting her lip, she decided to level with him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? She took a seat in one of the empty chairs facing his desk. Leaning forward, she took several deep breaths.

"I want to see the aerial shots taken of Kobol, all of them, if possible. I know they shot most of the planet while they were in orbit. Do you think you could get your hands on those?"

He was silent for a moment. "What are you up to, Kara? What do you need with that kind of information?"

"I'm not 'up to' anything, Lee. I just need to look at the aerials. There's something in particular I'm looking for on those shots. Something from those dreams that I've been…" she quickly corrected her self, " That I was having."

"You've got to be kidding! You want me to show you official Intel based on your dreams?" His brow was furrowed. He wasn't actually laughing at her, though, which was a good sign.

"Look, Lee. You just said it yourself not five minutes ago. You and I have both seen stranger things. I just need to look at the aerials. I need to be sure. I keep seeing certain formations, certain landmarks in my dreams. Landmarks that we didn't see while we were on the planet. If they aren't there, which we both know they probably aren't, then I can be done with the whole thing."

"Probably? What if you see something in those aerials that resembles what you've been dreaming about? What do you think you're going to do then?"

"I don't know, Lee! Maybe I'll write my own set of scrolls!" The sarcasm was thick in her voice. "I have to know. If I can just prove to myself that it doesn't mean anything, then maybe I can move on."

He stood up and walked around the desk. He sat on the edge of the desk, facing her, with concern in his eyes. "I thought you had put it behind you, Kara. You told me the dreams had stopped."

She avoided his eyes. "They have stopped," she lied. "They've stopped but I can't stop thinking about them. Please, Lee." There was a small, fragile quality to her voice as she said those last words. She hadn't meant to sound so desperate and silently cursed herself for not being able to hide this from him.

Lee reached behind him to the pile of papers he'd just been tidying. He flipped through them until he found what it was he'd been looking for.

"What, you have them now?" Kara's eyes were wide, her heart pounding.

He held out several photos for her, all of them depicting the surface of Kobol. "If you tell me what it is you are looking for, maybe I can help."

She was shuffling through the pictures, squinting over each one carefully. She stopped at one particular photo, ignoring his offer. She stared at it for a long time in silence. As the quiet verged on becoming awkward, she broke the tension and flashed her best 'Starbuck' grin. "Thanks, Sir. That's all I needed to see"

"You satisfied? You didn't find anything in the photos?"

Shaking her head, she handed the pile of aerials back to him. "Nothing. I guess my subconscious has a darker sense of humour than I realized. Thanks, Lee."

He took the aerials, and she prayed to the Lords of Kobol that he didn't notice how badly her hands were shaking.

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Kara closed her locker and leaned her forehead against the cool metal. She rested like that for a few moments, and then began to lightly bang her head against the locker door. She'd flown the CAP today, joined in the com chatter, hell she'd even told a few jokes. She was back and she wasn't faking it, for the first time in months. Now this.

At first she'd thought it was her eyes playing tricks on her, the photos were taken from quite a distance and it had been what, two thousand years or something crazy like that? The city itself was ruined, overgrown and hidden in the foliage. Still, it had been unmistakeably the same city, fanning out from the side of a large mountain range, covering an area so vast it was still visible, even from orbit. It wasn't the City of the Gods, she'd been to those ruins with the President, but it had been close, just on the other side of the mountain range from the Tomb of Athena itself.

It existed.

They'd tell her she was imagining it. They would tell her that it was impossible to tell if it was the same city, not from that point of view, not based on the few details she had from her dreams. But there had been one unmistakeable landmark on that aerial. A large outcropping of rock jutted out from the sheer mountain cliff, like a balcony. And set in behind that ledge had been a large, level enclosure. A courtyard. _The _courtyard. Yes, they'd tell her it was her imagination, but she was convinced it was the same place.

"Careful, Starbuck, your head is hard enough to do some serious damage to that locker."

Helo could always make her smile. She turned slowly and gave the back of her head one last thump against the metal, just to prove she could. "I'm gonna take that as a compliment, Karl."

He chuckled and swung his own locker open, tearing his sweat soaked regulation T's off and pulling a fresh towel out. He was just getting back from a run. "So I hear you're going to be heading up the search team. Must feel nice to be back, really back, and getting out there again."

"Well, it doesn't suck." She picked at the hem of her own T-shirt. "You know that Sharon's going to be on that team but I noticed your name wasn't on the list. C'mon, Karl, you've got to be sick of the CIC by now. Don't you crave the rush of flying? Or are you suddenly too good to take orders from me?"

"Oh, I've always been too good for that, Kara!" He was laughing now and she mimicked his laughing face.

"I'm serious, Karl. Come with me. I could really use somebody who knows his way around the FTL drive. With some of those nuggets at the helm, the raptors are likely to end up jumping into a moon. I'll talk to Apollo and have you assigned by tomorrow, you just say the word!"

He considered her for a moment, his head tilted to one side. "I'll sleep on it and let you know in the morning." There was a flash of light in his eyes. She could read the excitement there, and knew she'd hit the mark. She knew Karl Agathon well enough to know that he, too, craved the openness of space. He'd been on Galactica for too long not to jump at the chance to get out there and do a little exploring.

She grinned widely and started to chuckle as she slowly backed out of the locker room. "Give it up, Karl. Your ass is mine, and you know it. I'll expect you at 0700 hours sharp in the pilots' ready room! I'll work it out with Apollo and make sure he clears your schedule for me. Oh, and you will call me Sir in front of my pilots, and I'll expect a smile on your face as you're doing it."

The chuckle turned into a full fledge laugh and then a small shriek as he whipped off the towel he'd wrapped around his waist and tried to snap her with it.

"Ha! Who knew Athena was such a lucky cylon!"

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_Rough pairs of hands are holding her arms, dragging her forwards down a corridor. She cannot focus her eyes on images that blur by her. Her tongue is thick and she finds herself unable to form words._

_Voices speak all around her, a conversation is well underway. She hears the words but cannot make sense of them. There is something about a fire but beyond this she cannot grasp their meaning._

_A white light flashes as they pass another doorway. She begins to kick her feet, trying to slow their progress down the corridor. This time she is drawn to the light, and wants to go through that doorway. The hands tighten on her arms, causing her to wince in pain._

_They come to a halt at the end of the corridor, and a thick door scrapes open. All hands push her through the doorway into the black of the room. As the hands release their grip, she is propelled face first towards the floor, and she braces for the impact of her body hitting the ground._

_Instead, she is falling. The room has disappeared and she is free falling through darkness. Flailing, her body twists and turns in panic. When her body does make contact with the ground, it is soft and wet, and there is no pain. _

_She smells the grass before she understands where she is. She has been here before. Again she is lying face down, and there is a quiet wind rustling through trees on all sides of her. She looks, and sees a white light flashing across the sky. _

_It is the ship. Only now does the thunder of its engines reach her ears. She is too late. She wasted too much time in the corridor. She has missed the ship; they have left without her. There is no place left to run, and she has failed them._

_She knows what she must do. There is only one more thing she can do for them. She cannot go back and face their hopelessness; this will be her last act. _

_Sitting up, she looks around the clearing, and finally her eyes come to rest on the item she's been searching for. The helmet. She understands now that she never needed the flight suit. The helmet was her only chance for salvation. She wasted too much time on the suit. _

_She picks up the helmet. Surveying the clearing she is able to find the entrance to the path. This time there is nobody to hold her back, nobody to distract her. This time, she knows exactly where the path is leading and she understands that she will not be coming back from that place._

This time, when Kara woke from the dream, there was no confusion. She may not understand the meaning of the fragmented images, not yet, but she had made a decision. She couldn't move on. Not until she went back.

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	7. Chapter 7

**Ghosts**

**Chapter Seven **

Kara sat alone in the pilots' rec room and poured another shot of clear liquid into her cup from the half empty jar on the table. As she swished the liquor around, she surveyed the table. Several empty jars were lying amongst the scattered decks of cards. She'd been playing all night and had indeed outlasted everyone, even Tigh. They'd all begged off for bed or for more appealing company, and she was left sitting alone, determined to finish this jar and perhaps even crack open another.

Her mind was cloudy with thoughts of Kobol, of Lee and Sam, of the future and of the past. She had started to piece together the dreams, trying to find some cohesive pattern in them that she might be able to follow up on. She had tried to reconcile the pieces that made no sense with the pieces that she recognized from her own subconscious. Were they supposed to mesh together or was she supposed to pick them apart? She realized she might go crazy if she spent much more time thinking about it.

For days she'd been toying with the beginnings of a plan but none of the scenarios she ran through in her head ended well. She understood that she was being watched closely, that her return to the fleet was conditional on her being able to reintegrate herself successfully. She had no more influence with the President or the Admiral, not enough to get approval for a mission back to Kobol at any rate. And she had no more wiggle room on her personnel record. Any 'unofficial' missions she might be considering would undoubtedly be her last with the Colonial Fleet. They would only forgive mutiny so many times before their patience ran out, and she'd already had her fair share of chances. If she did this, she had to accept it was a one way trip. So the question she was left with was how much did she really need answers to her questions?

There would be no sleep for her.

"I'd trade my viper for a stogie!" She muttered to herself, downing the shot and reaching for the bottle once more.

She'd been fighting sleep for days. Whenever she reached her limit and hit the point that her eyes would simply not stay open on their own anymore, she began to drink. When she was drunk, she could pass out, and not be plagued by dreams. This was her goal tonight. The problem she was having was that no matter how much of the liquid she poured down her throat, the tension would not ease.

"I'm sorry, I don't have a stogie. Would you settle for some company?" Lee's voice was right behind her, and a warm flush flooded her. It had been so long since his voice had commanded this type of reaction in her body. The familiarity of it was a welcome sensation.

A slow, devilish grin spread across her face, and she turned her head towards him. Kicking out one of the other chairs with her foot, she nodded an invitation to him as she poured him a drink.

"Does the wife know where you are tonight, Apollo? Or can we expect a search and rescue party coming for you soon?" She may not have reached the point of passing out, but the alcohol was certainly having an effect on her, making feel bolder than she had felt in some time.

Lee responded with an uncertain smile. He sat in the chair she had offered and quickly downed the drink she'd poured. He said nothing, but his eyes never left her face. Her boldness persisted.

"Haven't seen much of Dualla…" she gave a short surprised laugh. "I guess I can't call her that anymore. What is it now? Can't say she'd appreciate me calling her 'Anastasia.' We were never exactly on a first name basis with each other even before…."

"Dee. It's still Dee." He was wary, but he wasn't pulling away. He was leaning back in the chair, fiddling with the empty cup in his hands. Kara suddenly had the distinct impression that it was her he was afraid of.

"So, does Dee know where you are?" She placed her cup down on the table and leaned forward onto her elbows, holding his eyes with hers. She wasn't really sure what exactly she was playing at, but having Lee sitting so close stirred something inside of her. She didn't know if she wanted to fight with him or frak him.

His face flushed a little. Perhaps he was reading her thoughts.

"I could ask you the same thing about Anders." At the sound of her husband's name, Kara's face hardened, but he continued. "When was the last time the two of you talked? Do you even know where he is right now?"

She stared at him silently for a few moments, trying to read his thoughts. Bringing up Sam had been a defensive move...she understood that. She tried to control her reaction to his name and slowly stood and turned to leave.

Immediately Lee was behind her, grabbing her elbow to stop her. His voice quiet, he said softly, "I'm sorry, Kara. I didn't mean to…."

"How about we agree not to talk about them, at least for tonight." She turned towards him, her eyes locked on his. He was still holding her arm, and he did not release his grip.

She reached out her hand, and touched his chest softly. "You're looking more like your old self again, Apollo. Looks like our time in the gym has really paid off."

He was uncomfortable, she could see that, but the liquor was making her bold and she suddenly wanted nothing more than to be anything but alone. Her fingers splayed out against his chest, and she could feel the heat of him through the layers of regulation tees. An image of Sam flashed through her head and for a moment she remembered the comfort she'd used to feel being this close to him. She quickly dropped her hand and shook the memory from her mind.

Still, Lee did not back away. She looked at his face, and saw his puzzled look. "You're drunk, Kara." He whispered. "You should probably go back to your bunk and sleep this off. We're meeting with my father and the President in the morning regarding the search. I don't think showing up smelling like a still is going to impress either of them very much."

She knew he was right, but he was missing the point. She couldn't sleep, not yet. She needed oblivion to be sure the dreams would not come, and she was far from that point right now. Leaning into him, she rested her forehead against his chest. He did not pull away. Instead she felt his hands gently holding her head, his fingers burying themselves in her hair.

"I'm not ready to go back to my bunk yet, Lee." She put her hands on his waist, her fingertips digging into his sides. She didn't want him to be gentle and she didn't think she was capable of it herself, not anymore. She needed something more than that right now.

"Kara…." he whispered, and she could feel his breath, his mouth very close to her head. Again, Sam's face swam through her mind. She closed her eyes against it, swallowing the waves of guilt that were suddenly attacking her. She needed this. She tried to convince herself that this was not a betrayal; she and Sam were over. She'd made that very clear to him so he should have no reason to expect her not to move on. But this was Lee Adama, and no matter how she tried to put it together in her mind, she knew that whatever was happening right now would be more than just an easy frak. Nothing between them was ever easy.

She pulled at his shirts, sliding her hands under the cloth. His bare skin was hot to the touch. She could feel him breathing more quickly now, his lips now pressed against the top of her head. She slowly raised her face to his, her lips brushing lightly against his. She pulled back slightly and searched his eyes for some sign of what was going through his head.

She half expected him to push her away. Instead, he leaned down and kissed her, slowly at first but quickly the kiss became hard and hungry. He swung her around and she found herself sitting on one of the tables, her legs wrapped around his as his hands started pulling at her shirt, finding their way to the skin underneath. His mouth left hers and she felt his lips travel down her throat as he tasted her skin.

They didn't hear the footsteps approaching. Their first awareness of the other body in the room was the embarrassed cough. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize anyone…" The voice trailed off. It was Racetrack, and as quickly as she'd arrived, she was gone.

Kara ran a hand through her hair in an attempt to smooth it down, while quickly sliding out of Lee's hands and off of the table. The moment was lost. He did not turn around. He closed his eyes and dropped his head, taking a moment to catch his breath. It was Kara who finally broke the awkward silence that gripped the rec room.

"Maybe she didn't see who it was…." it was a lame attempt to calm the tension accompanied by a half-hearted laugh. They both knew better.

He slowly shook his head. "Oh, she saw us. And in about an hour everyone on Galactica is going to know about it." His voice was soft and even giving away very little about what was going through his head.

"Oh, Gods, Lee. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

He turned quickly, not meeting her eyes. "I have to go. I have to find Dee before she hears about this from somebody else."

She took a step towards him, but stopped short when she saw him flinch away from her. An angry, disappointed look came over his face, reminding her very much of the look that had been on Sam's face when she'd told him about Leoben. Her stomach knotted painfully, and she felt like she might actually be sick. Without another word, he left the room.

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"What do you see, Athena? Anything remotely resembling a Lion's head?" Kara had taken the second chair in the raptor, content to let Athena be the eyes for this mission. Her heart simply wasn't in it, and she had too much on her mind to waste time stargazing. She'd spent most of her time during their last three jumps quietly plotting FTL jump coordinates from the fleet's current position back to Kobol. She hadn't consciously made the decision to make the trip yet, but she figured she'd start the legwork. Maybe if she came up against an insurmountable snag it would solve all her problems and she could put the whole thing out of her mind. So far, though, things were falling into place almost too easily.

"Negative, Sir. I think this system is as empty as the last few have been. You want to keep looking or make another jump?"

Kara thought about it. "Keep looking for the moment. We have to be thorough; I don't want to be ordered to backtrack through any of these systems. I'm running secondary scans on several nearby planets. Maybe we'll get lucky and find a fuel or food source for the fleet."

"It would be nice to have something to show for all of this." Athena fell silent again, and Kara assumed that she was busy searching for the star pattern.

Not for the first time, her mind drifted back to Lee. The meeting with the Admiral and the President had been brutal for her. She'd been hung-over and edgy. She'd spent most of it trying to catch Lee's attention, to get a read on what was going on with him. He'd had his CAG face on, all business, and was giving nothing away. He never once looked directly at her, and didn't say a single word to her during the entire meeting. It had pissed her off. She hadn't been the only one in that room. He was a big boy, and he could have pushed her away at any time. At the same time, the fact that he was deliberately avoiding having to discuss it with her was tearing at her. She felt like she'd exposed herself to him, between the breakdown in sickbay and then that night in the rec room. Now he had pulled away. He'd seen who she was, and was turning away from her.

She still didn't know what had happened between him and Dualla. She'd heard people whispering, but nobody was talking to her about it directly. Only once since the incident had she seen Dee. She'd gone to the mess hall for supper and Lee and Dee had been there, eating. Lee's back had been to the door, and he'd not seen Kara enter the room, but Dee had. There had been ice in her eyes when she looked at Kara. Instead of facing an uncomfortable meal, Kara had turned and left the room. She'd gotten part of the answer she was looking for from that incident. At least she knew they were still together. Obviously Lee was where he wanted to be.

"I have more to offer than you think I do, Starbuck." Athena's voice snapped Kara back from her thoughts.

"What the frak are you talking about?" Kara had originally scheduled Athena and Helo as flight partners, thinking that the two would make a good team. She'd been more than a little bit surprised when Helo had approached her the night before the first mission and asked her to fly with Sharon.

Athena sat quietly at the front of the raptor. It was hard for Kara to get a read on the woman's thoughts through the glass of the flight suit helmet. She could see Athena's eyes, though, and was a little taken aback at how intensely she was staring at her.

"Look, Starbuck, you and I haven't exactly been close. I'm probably the last person you'd come to with a problem, but I'm also the only person who might be able to help you right now. I was hoping that once the two of us got to spend some time together, alone, we might be able to talk."

"Sharon, even if I had a problem, I can guarantee you I wouldn't bring it to you, and not because we aren't 'close'." She tried to keep her breathing even. "You are a cylon. That is a fact that everyone in the frakking fleet seems to have forgotten except for me. You're flying with me today because Helo, my very good friend Helo, asked me for a personal favour. That is the only reason, so don't jump to any conclusions about there being a chance for friendship between us!"

"Why do you think Helo came to you, Kara? I asked him to talk to you." Sharon's eyes were still wide, and her voice had become soft. "I've been watching you. I was there on the Astral Queen, I saw what happened and I saw the fear in your face at the end. You didn't see that kid. You saw somebody else. I think you saw Leoben. I also think that it wasn't the first time you've seen him since you've been back."

Kara gaped at her, unable to speak. A mixture of anger and disbelief was boiling up inside of her. Sharon continued quickly, not giving Kara a chance to stop her.

"Maybe you didn't see him as vividly as you did that day, but you have seen him. You've been dreaming of him, haven't you? I know you have, Kara, because I have been dreaming of him, too."

Kara couldn't breathe. She held her hand up for Sharon to stop, and the other woman fell silent. Finally, she managed a low growl. "That's enough, Athena. You need to stop talking. Right. The. Frak. Now!"

Sharon took a deep breath.

"I can't stop, Kara. I need you to understand. I think we need to help each other. You see, I haven't only been dreaming about Leoben. I've been dreaming about Kobol."

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	8. Chapter 8

**Ghosts**

**Chapter Eight**

_Thump_

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_Thump Thump Thump_

The sound of her heart filled her head, followed by the rhythmic pounding of her feet on the metallic floor of the corridor.

"Make a hole!" Kara shouted. The group of the Alert Guard marching towards her moved to the left, allowing her to pass.

_Thump_

Her steps faltered only for a moment. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Sam, dressed in the full Guard gear. Their eyes met, but he quickly looked away. At least now she knew. He'd found a place for himself on Galactica, a place that was his own and independent of her. She was happy and proud of him, but she could not ignore the twinge she felt seeing his face.

_Thump _

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She sped up, hoping to put as much distance as possible between herself and Sam. She was going to have to face him sooner or later, she realized, but today was not that day. Her mind was overwhelmed by the conversation she'd had with Sharon, overwhelmed trying to put together the puzzle of the dreams.

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Their dreams were almost identical. Sharon and Kara had spent hours in that raptor comparing every detail. There were some significant differences, though. Where Kara had been experiencing the dreams first hand, Sharon had been watching Kara. She'd been an observer rather than a participant, but everything she described seeing matched Kara's experiences. Except for one thing. Each time Kara had seen Kasey, Sharon had seen a baby. She'd seen Hera.

_Thump_

Neither of them was sure exactly what those differences meant, or if they meant anything it all. And neither of them really knew what they were supposed to do next. They'd left the raptor having made only one solid decision. Sharon was going to explain it all to Helo. He was the one person they both trusted implicitly, and the one person they both could count on not to think they were completely off their nuts. He might not understand it, but he would listen with an open mind and help them figure out where to go next.

_Thump_

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"We can't go forward until we go back, Starbuck!" Sharon had insisted. She had not disagreed. Kara had felt this very same urge, but they both had too much to lose by rushing headlong into a rash course of action. They needed a plan and they needed support.

_Thump_

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Kara rounded a corner, and stopped dead. Ahead of her, the corridor was dark, the lights that ran along the walls were out, save for one at the far end that was flickering softly and giving off very little light. A chill went through her.

Ahead of her, and just to the right, the wheel on a hatch door began to turn slowly. Breathing very quickly Kara took two small steps backwards. Every instinct told her to turn and run. She couldn't remember feeling this type of panic, which was saying something considering she'd lived through two years of knowing that the monsters under the bed were real and were always coming after her.

The wheel turned with short, jerky motions, and finally the door swung inward. A tiny hand appeared in the crack. The room behind the hatch was dark, but Kara's eyes adjusted to the lighting and she was able to focus on the face that materialized there.

"Kasey?" She whispered, surprised at the tremor in her voice. She took a step forward and then froze. A hand had come to rest on the girl's hair, and she whimpered slightly when she saw Leoben's face appear out of the dark.

He smiled at her with a mixture of pity and sadness in his eyes. Then, just as suddenly as he'd shown himself, he disappeared back into the shadows, and the hatch door slammed shut.

_Thump_

"No!" Kara was at the hatch before she realized she'd moved, and was trying in vain to turn the handle. It wouldn't budge. "No! Let me in! For the love of the GODS! Kasey, baby, let me in!!!"

_Thump_

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She was screaming and pounding on the hatch door handle, trying to beat it loose with her fists, but it would not turn. A sound from within the room reached her ears: Kasey's voice, calling her name, asking for help.

"I'm coming, honey, hold on!" She began to slam her shoulder against the cold metal, and tears of frustration welling in her eyes. She let out a deep, guttural scream.

_Thump_

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"Kara! Kara, calm down!" Strong arms came around her, pinning her arms to her side and stopping her frantic attack on the hatch door. It was Sam. She was vaguely aware of the group of bodies that had come running, probably in response to her screams.

"She's in there! Kasey's in there!" She was gasping for breath and struggling against his grip.

An Alert Guard stepped in front of her and tried the hatch door. Like it was nothing, the door immediately swung open to reveal a small but brightly lit supply room.

Kara stopped struggling and stared at the open door. Sam's grip relaxed momentarily, but it was long enough for her. She turned in his arms so that she could extend her arm slightly and found what she was looking for: his sidearm. With a swift movement she had the firearm in her hands and twisted out of his arms. She held the weapon out in front of her, shakily waving back and forth from the supply room to the guards.

"Get back! Back the frak off, now!" She slowly sidled her way through the hatch, trying to survey the room while at the same time watching the guards, making sure they did not make a move towards her. Several of them had pulled out their weapons, and Sam was holding his hands out in front of him, reaching for her.

"Kara," his voice was soothing and calm. "What is going on?"

She ignored him. Edging through the opening of the hatch, Kara was finally fully inside of the room. She pressed her back flat against the wall on the inside of the hatch, pulling herself out of the view of the guards. Surveying the room she realized it was empty.

There was no Kasey, no Leoben.

Frantically she looked for another exit, another way out that they may have taken, but there was nothing. She'd been outside the only way in or out of the room. Aside from some small crates, the room was empty. Her knees buckled and she slid down the wall to the floor. She gripped the gun in her hands tighter, banging the butt of it against her forehead.

"Oh, Lords, what the frak is going on?" Her voice was small and shaky and she tightened her grip on the gun.

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Kara paced the brig. It had been a week since her breakdown in the supply room. After a very short stay in sickbay, Doctor Cottle had cleared her physically, and the Admiral had put her in here. She couldn't blame him. She was dangerous. She'd stolen a sidearm from an Alert Guard and she could admit to herself that she would have used it if she'd seen Leoben. And Leoben probably wouldn't actually have been Leoben. So she would have ended up killing someone.

She'd attempted to explain herself to Admiral Adama. Lee and Colonel Tigh had been there with him, and she'd laid out the dreams in their entirety for them all. Instead of the comfort of this family she'd come to rely on, she'd been met with cold, blank looks as the men tried to understand what she was telling them.

It had been that moment, looking at these three closed faces, that she'd realized how alone she really was. The only 'person' who truly understood what was happening to her was Sharon, a cylon. She had left that small detail out, thinking that it might hurt her more in the long run. The Admiral had put her in the brig for the safety of the fleet. She was a time bomb, and she was unstable. She could not be allowed to wander around until they could figure out what to do for her. Or with her.

The single guard sat with his feet up, watching her occasionally with something that resembled curiosity. By now every soul on Galactica had heard about her 'breakdown'. She'd faced worse situations in he lifetime than this humiliation, but she really didn't know how she was going to get past it when she couldn't even explain it to herself. How could she ever be sure what was real and what was hallucination?

As she continued to pace, the hatch to the brig opened and a gruff voice addressed the guard. "Give us the room, soldier." It was a command, not a request.

Kara's attention was immediately on the man who'd entered the room. Colonel Tigh. They'd gotten closer over the past year and a half; the tension and animosity that had defined their relationship had eased replaced by something akin to respect. Now, since the occupation they shared something else, something that those who had not been on New Caprica could not understand.

Tigh stood unsmiling on the other side of the cell bars, and she could not read from his expression anything of what he was thinking.

"Colonel!" She stood at attention, her eyes searching his, noticing that he had replaced the bandage over his eye with an actual patch. He was scarred. She understood the depth of that scar.

"Captain Thrace. At ease." She relaxed her shoulders slightly, but did not move from her spot. He continued. "How have you been feeling, Starbuck? Have you had anymore dreams?"

"No, Sir." She didn't know where this was going, and she felt the walls going up around her.

He studied her face for a moment then walked over and grabbed the keys to the cell from the guard's table. As he began to open the door to the cell, he chuckled softly and paused.

"Before I open this door, Starbuck, how about you tell me who you think I am."

She rolled her eyes slightly. "I'm not sure, Sir. You bear a slight resemblance to a drunken ass I used to know, but he had two beady eyes and smelled like a still."

He let out a sharp laugh, and she exhaled in relief. "Well, you're still the same pain in the ass I always knew you were. Just wanted to make sure you weren't seeing things. You promise to play nice?"

She nodded, and he unlocked the cell door. Swinging it open, he stood back and gestured for her to come out. Confused she started for the door, and then stopped. She stared at him with the question in her eyes.

"Relax! We're going for a little walk. I don't know what is causing your dreams, Starbuck, but I know you don't belong in here." He shook his head. "Never thought I'd be the one saying that to you, but it's true. I'm not about to put a gun in your hands, don't get me wrong, but you aren't going to do anyone any good sitting in the brig."

"I'm thinking it might be safer for a lot of people if you left me in here. I can't even trust my own eyes anymore, Sir." She started forward again.

"Neither can I, Kara. That's why I'm here." He put his arm around her as she stepped out of the cell, and led her out of the brig.

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They were waiting for her on the flight deck. Athena, Helo and Apollo. They were standing beside two raptors, already dressed in flight suits. Tigh had explained some of it to Kara as they'd walked down from the brig, and she was still numb from his revelations.

She wasn't the only one of the New Caprican survivors that was having bad dreams and hallucinations. Tigh didn't know exactly how widespread it was, but there were reports coming in from all over the fleet of people acting out of character and having to be restrained. Sharon had come forward to the Admiral and Tigh about her own dreams, and at that point Tigh himself had admitted to having had visions of Ellen walking the corridors of the Galactica.

To Kara he admitted something else. He'd also been having dreams of Kobol. In his dreams, he was always searching for Ellen, always seeing her from a distance and desperately trying to catch up with her. Each time he got close, she would turn to him with a sad look on her face, then before his eyes she would vanish. In her place would be Kara, looking scared and defeated, reaching out to him for help.

"It has to mean something, Starbuck. This isn't random. I don't know if the cylons did something to us on that planet or if this is some sort of mass hysteria, but we can't ignore it any longer. The fleet is going to tear itself apart if we don't act." Tigh looked tired as he spoke. He put his hands on her shoulders and gave her a long, hard look. "The Admiral knows what I'm doing, but this is not an official act. I need to make that clear. What I'm about to ask of you is not an order, Starbuck, it is a request and you are free to say no. The others already made their choice and are going with or without you, but somehow I think you are supposed to be with them."

She nodded slightly, understanding what was being said. "You're sending us to Kobol." It wasn't a question.

"I am. You'll have the two raptors, but that's it. Consider this a recon mission. I've already briefed the others, and you have standing orders to abandon the mission at the first sign of the cylons. If they are the ones that are causing this, then they are probably expecting us. You have three days, Captain. I don't know what you're supposed to be looking for. Part of me hopes that you don't find anything, and we can all get on with our lives. Part of me hopes there is an answer there. Either way, this is a one shot deal. The President knows nothing of this mission, and the Admiral wants to keep it that way. We jump again in seventy-two hours; you need to be back before that. Understood?"

She looked towards the raptors. The others were watching her expectantly, already certain what her answer would be. It was Lee who caught her eye. His expression was unreadable, and she wondered for a moment why he would volunteer for this. Turning back to Tigh, she came to attention.

"Understood, Sir!"

"Be safe, Starbuck. I expect to see you all in seventy-two hours."

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End file.
